disillusioned

you know, the a-levels are coming close. ideally, i thought i should be more or less on full steam, ploughing through my notes and my books, revising every single detail and mechanism, practicing lots more past year papers, wasting less time.

of course, that's an ideal. and in real life, we always deviate from the ideal scenario. I dunno.. I really wanna push on, but i feel so sian, so tired. like doing the same thing all day long..

the other thing that puts me off is my speed at doing things. i dunno, somehow quite a few pple can like do 2 papers and mug 1 chem topic a day, for eg. then here's the not-so-smart me doing 1 chem topic the whole screwed up day.

oh and you know how pissful it is to keep practicing at something you know you are weak at, hoping you will improve. and lo and behold, you don't. and then the smarty pants all around you are like scoring so well, so much better than you.

haiz... guess i should aim slightly lower. after all, I'm not the very high standard kinda chap, so why bother to fight my way into such a high standard, high class kinda uni where all the smarty pants all go and then i feel the same thing i've been facing for the past 2 years again 3 years down the road. anyway, what's wrong studying here?

haiz... just dang tired. my eyes especially. mugging like this is gonna make me so short-sighted that i'm as good as blind. yeah, many so many people play so much longer than me and their degree is still 300 to 400, while i haven't played any game in ages and my degree is over 700. haiz unfairness of life.

then again... real life deviates from the ideal, so just live with it...