Procrastinating Change

Alas, my blog has again fallen into another state of disrepair and lack of updating. But hey, only never update for two months what. Thought I haven't updated it for 6 months. haha...

If there's one part of me that must change, its my habit of realising that there are things to be done and I don't do anything about it. Think that's a poor habit if me, cuz a lot of things just get piled up and I get really discouraged having to sieve through the pile of crap I must do that's overdue.

Think even in work, that's the same thing. People pick up the leftover pieces for me, but why can't I do it? Just because I'm in a position of leadership? (well, would you even call it leadership?)

Been thrust with lots of things to consider about myself these days. All those years that I've been training up to be a leader since my time in ac, am I really the leader everyone expects after all those years? Or am I just stuck in my own world, thinking that I am the right leader and everyone else is wrong?

Read this in one of my friends' blog: 

"I believe leadership is an innate trait or rather your affinity for leadership is fixed. Its either you are (or can become) a good leader or you just stink at the whole entire thing. Being stuck in a hierarchical organisation... taught me a lot of things about leadership. And sometimes people who just plain suck are put in positions where they are about as useful as a piece of meat. Sure sure, they can be the most enthusiastic person in the entire world but whats the point if they can’t lead. The worst part is if they are stuck in this distorted, warped reality of theirs that they actually can!"

Been also thinking about what it means to have humility. I searched it up dictionary.com and here are some definitions of it:

• Distrust of one's self or one's own powers; lack of self-reliance; modesty; modest reserve; bashfulness. (taken from Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary)
  
• the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc (taken from Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) )
  

Comparing it to this book that I'm reading, entitled Humility (by Andrew Murray), it is 'simply the sense of entire nothingness, which comes when we see how truly God is all, and in which we make way for God to be all.'

Sheesh, to have humility is not an easy thing. sigh..

Think I'm worrying about too many things at a go.. Should take it a step at a time.

ttyl

cranky self again

getting cranky again...

thought of going to east coast park early this morning to do some good quality reading. suggested that to mum, who promptly replied, "What about your SAT? Are you going to set aside time for it?" sheesh, that put me off immediately. like i know you care, but you don't have to remind me again right? like this is the freakin 3rd time i'm doing sat.. do until i damn sian... anywayz, not much chance for me to have that sudden desire to go to east coast in the morning.

ok nvm, went to fetch pappy from some old cat high boys gathering from turf city, then went to bt timah plaza to bum around at the ntuc finest... dunno lah, seems like another normal ntuc, with just a few imported stuff and a bit high class. guess the prices for normal stuff also pretty high, compared to the other normal ntuc outlets huh...

basically, just stoned at home for the remainder of the afternoon.. switched btw mugging sat, reading my library book and sleeping and reading my bible. haiz, how time seems to fly so fast. really frustrated to suddenly realise that twenty min have gone past when it seems only ten min have gone by. hmph fast-paced society.

thot of calling kum out for dinner, but he not very free... dunno who else to call leh, so in the end, once again, the family guy goes out with his family.

felt weird walking through orchard... along the streeets, you see many grps of young pple hanging around with their pals, bumming around, having dinner together. you don't see a lot of kids walking around with their parents at this time of the day. felt really out of place, esp at the manhattan fish market at plaza sing. the tables around ours were filled with youngsters just having a good dinner together, something that i haven't had for a long time now. plus, with frizzled, unkempt hair, sloppy shirt, and a brother trying to teach me how to cut fish properly, i felt super out of place. gosh i just wanted to siam from the place as fast as i could.

throughout the whole time, my brother would be saying all the bad things about dad when they were in australia together. strange huh, how a father-and-son trip that was meant to bond father and son together resulted in father and son hating each other even more. gosh, makes me cringe and feel even more frustrated.

how not to be cranky?

just so blessed

wow wow wee yea... went to DON at tanglin mall for dinner with popo and yeye.. had taht korean bulgogi beef rice thingey... ummm... damn shiok and nice. filling too... the nice sunny side-up egg on the top adds to the stickiness of the rice, just the way i like it.

did a bit of window shopping after dinner. walked past 'that cd shop' and heard those kind of familiar tunes that you usually hear on 90.5 and on tv ads, but never knew the title. (oh yeah, for those who didn't know, i'm an oldie fan. lol) walked in and.. JACKPOT. the whole album had all those popular songs that have lasted through the ages and have been used countless times on tv... like 'music to watch girls by' (interestingly, that's the title of the album by high society) just heard a few of the songs and went "wow! must really get this album"

then the big heart-stabber came when i saw the price tag. bleh... 36 bucks!!! hmmm gotta consider.. but then, quite suddenly, popo just took one album of the rack, asked me if i liked it, and immediately ran to the cashier to pay for it. i was like "woah! that's fast!" and the album was mine... wow, how deep is their love for me

you know, i must be really blessed... did some reflection just now, thinking how good the Good Lord has been to me, even though i've been disobedient and simply a wretched person. He's given me such great parents who love and support me all the way; loving grandparents to shower even more love on me; good health, a house to live in; great pals in camp too... what more can i ask...

yeah wat more can i ask, except for the Good Lord to continue to draw me close to Him...

------------------

ONE DAY

More than I could hope or dream of,

You want to pour your favour on me.

One day in the house of God is,

better than a thousand days in the world.

CHORUS:

So blessed I can't contain it.

So much I gotta give it away.

Your love has taught me to live now.

You are more than enough for me.