Saturday, March 01, 2008

Broken Commitments

i've really got no discipline at all...

currently in brunei supporting my unit in some form of training. Notice that I use the word 'supporting', so that may mean to imply that i'm not supposed to be doing much here, (which was what i thought about initially before coming here)

so thus i initially thought that I could spend the loads of free time here spending time with God and seeking Him. In fact, i thought coming to brunei was actually a good deal as I'm away from the bn line and away from the distractions of work and home. Thought that by coming to brunei, i could find some form of hideaway from the busy-ness of everyday life and thus find time to seek God, particularly for the yr 2 ce prog, which i really have no idea on how to run.

The first few days was ok, with my QT being just abt the standard. Still full of distractions in my mind. Frustrating... Oh well, as the days go by, I just can't seem to be able to continue to focus properly. QT somehow became a routine and I don't have much desire to really pray, much less seek Him.

Think I can guess why... Kept watching too much heroes and prison break on the comp. Yeah. Can't discipline myself ( or perhaps no desire ) to stay in my bunk and just focus on God alone. Spent the time watching shows instead...

Didn't feel that much 'withdrawal symptoms', since I did find ways to occupy myself in camp.

But right now, at this very moment that i'm typing now, that sense of emptiness and feeling lost is there. Currently on a mid-way r&r now, which is supposedly meant to be happy lah. But well, as i went around the mall, pretty aimless, i just felt pretty drained and.. well sian! REally really sianz.... Like there's nothing to look forward to. The two other guys whom I tagged along with were looking for stuff for their girlfriends or friends who are girls, and i felt bored throughout the time of shopping.. felt a bit frustrated, cuz well, can't think of many friends who are girls at this time...

Mood swing? Well, I guess it part of my personality. Cuz i'm the guy who really needs that bit of personal attention from the pple around me. i just need to feel included in whatever everyone is doing before i'm happy. I really hate the feeling of being left out. sigh... perhaps that was what i felt just now... my two pals were just talking abt what gifts to buy to woo girls, while i just stood around, wondering when i can get one...

Somehow, i think i'm missing the big picture. I should be happy and joyful through it all, since I have God in my heart. But then, why is it that i feel otherwise at this current moment? Just feeling like i'm here wasting my time.

Wonder who reads this blog... but if you do read it, do pray for me can? I don't know... just very lost and I don't really have the desire to want to go deeper with God.

Pls pray that:
1) God will ignite my heart, and that I will respond
2) I will have the desire to want to seek Him.
3)Yr 2 ce prog

Speaking of which, yeah, just don't know how to steer it. What's more, I have not much of a burden for them, even though I'm their training officer. Not much burden for my juniors too.

Feel like a faker too... like my life has been a lie throughout... guess i'll talk about it some other time...